Classiness of classy

Someone was already at the kiddie urinal

Sunday night when the classy Dallas Mavericks won the classy NBA Finals over the classless Miami Heat, the common thread amongst Maverick supporters was that the "classy" team won.

In short, the Mavericks celebrated in a way that the Heat would not have celebrated: With class.
Since, DeShawn Stevenson's been seen with a T-shirt with the most juvenile of dick jokes, Mark Cuban's been photographed taking a piss with the Larry O'Brien trophy and, now, Stevenson's been arrested for public intoxication.

Everyone has "class" until they don't. Or, everyone has "class" when stood up next to the "classless." I also point to Stevenson posing in front of the Miami Heat bench in game 6. Again, if he were not a Maverick, we'd aboslutely hate him.

On the whole, I have no problem with any of this. I'm not interested in watching Cuban (the king of classlessness) pee or Stevenson get drunk. However, the Mavericks fandom (nor the team itself) has any right to call themselves "classy" after the last four days.

INTERVENTION

You need help

The Dallas Cowboys are doing their darndest to keep Dez Bryant on the straight and narrow.

He recently lunched with Tony Romo, Andre Gurode and Keith Brooking. Jason Witten also reached out to the receiver after the hubbub surrounding his NorthPark Center "sagging" incident and the flow of stories about his spending and debt problems.

Why Gerry Fraley is awesome: "Chace Crawford, an actor and Romo's future brother-in-law, also attended the lunch. What purpose Crawford served at the meeting could not be determined."

ANYWAY, it's sad that this is Bryant's lot in life and that the Cowboys will perpetually have to look out for this guy. There is a 100 percent chance this marriage does not end well.

Doesn't NorthPark Center security know who Dez Bryant is?

Dez Bryant loves the Sunglass Hut

Dallas Cowboys receiver Dez Bryant was apparently "keepin' it real" at Dallas-Fort Worth's marquee shopping mall and he got busted for it.

He was given a criminal trespass warning at NorthPark Center for a disturbance after off-duty police officer cum mall security stopped him and his crew for their pants fall down below their waist.

I have nothing against "keepin' it real" and whatnot. But here are some ground rules:

1. You don't "keep it real" at NorthPark Center. Why? Because it's full of snooty white folks. It's like "The Wire" not taking place in urban Baltimore, but on Martha's Vineyard or the Lincoln Memorial.

2. Are we still "bagging" our jeans? Really?!? Come on, Dez. You're a grown man now. If you're going to "keep it real," at least get caught with a dimebag or a handgun. This is the professionals.

3. What are we still doing at malls? Why "keep it real" at malls? Is it cool being at Neiman Marcus? Burberry? Gucci? Hugo Boss? Lids? Or the Apple store? Malls are dumb to begin with. Pretending to be cool at malls is nothing short than a cry for help.

Of course, Jerry Jones would've given a kidney to have his 1990s Cowboys get a criminal trespass citation at a mall in lieu of their actual infractions.

Bryan McCann can not handle success

McCann: "I like you."

Bryan McCann -- the undrafted free agent rookie from SMU -- produced two of the most exciting, season-turning plays of the 2010 season for the Dallas Cowboys.

Some guys can't handle the spotlight.

McCann was arrested Saturday morning for public intoxication.

To his credit, McCann says now he wasn't drunk nor was he a danger to himself or anyone else. The police have failed to turn up a police report. Yet.

This is confusing. Police -- no matter what you think of them -- tend not to waste time and paperwork hauling in guys for public intoxication when they are, indeed, sober.

McCann also adds that he was not only sober, but he wasn't a danger to anyone. If you're sober and not waving a machete around, why would you be a danger.

If you refuse a Breathalyzer, you get hauled in. And you can't tell whether you're legally drunk or just not as drunk as you've been before.

Chances are, McCann was tipsy and rowdy. He probably didn't think was that drunk. He gets accosted by the police. He's in the drunk tank and the rest is history.

Mean Green's uninspired move

McCarney: Good wife beater, bad coach

With all the name's associated with the University of North Texas' coaching search, Dan McCarney was one of the most uninspired.

They wound up hiring him the other day. My first reaction was, "Wasn't he fired by Iowa State?" Like the episode of Seinfeld when Jerry starts dating Newman's ex and he finds out Newman broke up with her. Like, what's wrong with McCarney?

The first thing that comes up with McCarney is leading the Iowa State Cyclones to five bowl games in the early 2000s.

This is true. What they don't go into is the bad.

McCarney's 56-85 overall as a head coach, all at Iowa State. He finished with one top 25 ranking in 12 seasons.

During his tenure, he had seasons of 3-8, 2-9, 1-10, 3-8, 2-10 and 4-8.

In 12 seasons, he had one year where his team wound up over .500 in conference. Seriously. Of his 85 losses, 68 came in conference. In seven of the 12 years, McCarney's Cyclones won one or less conference games.

Yes, the Cyclones made it to five bowl (only once did he win more than seven games) games, but he went 2-3 in those games.

In the end, McCarney might not be any good. He wasn't that good at Iowa State. He was fired and no one's hired him since. Except UNT.

McCarney's seemingly lone attribute is that he's a defensive coach, which will help the Mean Green. If they had played an ounce of defense this season, they're bowl eligible. So many close losses.

McCarney might not be an uninspired hire. It might be a bad one.

Way back in 1995, when he was hired by Iowa State, it came out that McCarney was beating on his wife:

In March, Iowa State announced that it would honor the contract it had signed in November with new football coach Dan McCarney, even after learning that his estranged wife, Brenda, had told police he had beaten her 20 to 30 times, beginning a few days before their marriage in 1986 and continuing periodically for nearly eight years.

Yikes. Maybe he's not beating up his wife anymore. Maybe he's suddenly a good football coach. Maybe Dennis Franchione's still looking for a job.

Nate Newton loses 175 pounds and, no, it's not weed

Hey, at least he has a banana there

Former Dallas Cowboys offensive lineman Nate Newton has apparently lost 175 pounds thanks to getting his stomach shrunk and stapled.

Good news. I've always wondered about these football players and their weight. They retire at 37 and then what? They die of some cardiovascular disease at 60 and that's it.

This goes down to the high schools. I know several guys that were big in high school playing linemen positions and they are still that big. Not a shock since they weren't going to play in college and it's only natural for you to retain weight if you have no real way or intention of getting it off.

I love Nate Newton. Not because he's a jolly person or a former Dallas Cowboys legend. But because he's a guy that got caught hauling large amounts of marijuana across state lines twice, spent time in prison and, yet, is celebrated as a media personality in Dallas-Fort Worth.

And he didn't even need to take a baseball team to the World Series for fans and other media to forget his drug transgressions.